Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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