Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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