Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
