If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
