Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize