So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
