I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we made out on top of his cat.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
