Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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