I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize