Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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