Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
