I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
