Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
