It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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