people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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