These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The air was thick with penises
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
