my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ok first of all what the fuck
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