Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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