I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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