I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize