My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
