she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
