1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
