last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is wine microwaveable?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
