I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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