I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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