alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
