i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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