I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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