My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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