Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ladies don't puke and tell
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
