I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
