my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
