He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
