I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I will be naked everywhere
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I touched a dick in church today
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize