I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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