Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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