some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize