two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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