I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
