New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
