the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
