If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
