chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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