Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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