one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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