i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
