Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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