Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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