I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
