Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Are we still banned from the library?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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