i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize