she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
