he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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