Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
