She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
