Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
