I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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