Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize