even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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