My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We named our party play list daddy issues
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
