I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
