Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
3 2 1 whiskey
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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