he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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