The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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