Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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