You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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