Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
