If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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