Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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