Only a mothe r could love this liver
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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