just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
