i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
