the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
